I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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