She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The feeling are messing with the penis
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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