I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
