I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
