Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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