I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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