Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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