She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
