he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
