She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
