I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
