Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
