I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
