I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
