I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
