I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
