I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
