i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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