Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
