God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
