It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
