Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
