I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
