I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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