Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
