Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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