I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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