peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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