there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
