im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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