I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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