I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
