Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish my penis had a tongue
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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