life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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