you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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