There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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