Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
