Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
