I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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