I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
