As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
