Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
