Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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