white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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