Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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