i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
