i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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