so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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