sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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