Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
