Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
