Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
